Blog: Brush on a dry palette

Brush on a dry palette
Brush on a dry palette
Date: 2018-Jan-27 16:56:55 EST

One of the issues I've had in recent years is that it feels like most of the things I wanted earlier in life are no longer desires anymore. That wouldn't be odd except new things haven't come in to replace them, leaving me feeling empty, like I don't want anything. This isn't having reached some level of cush; my living arrangements are actually less comfortable than they were a decade ago, my migraines are probably a little worse, and I've had a bit of that natural physical and mental deterioration from aging. Sometimes on the weekend I just stay in bed for hours, with nothing I really want.

I think most people deal with this, should they have it, using cycles. I do that a bit too; every weekend I need to do laundry (moreso now because I need to wear a buttondown at work) which gets me out of the house twice, once to drop off the laundry bag and the other to pick up the freshly laundered clothes. And people of course need to eat. But that's not a lot to build a life around, or to keep that life from collapsing. I've expanded it a bit further by starting to play a daily-turn-allotment-style game called KOL; I used to play it years ago and it always added a little enjoyment/responsibility to flesh out life a bit. I'm hoping as the weather warms to get a jogging routine going (now that I know my ankle problems were caused by barefoot running, I'll have to use actual shoes again).

I'm hoping to reach further into my past to rekindle old interests. Some of which might help me meet people and get a social circle running again, although that's been a struggle over a much longer time in my life - being around people is just too tiring to do for long. Tonight I'm going to the first showing of RHPS I'll've been to for over ten years. Maybe over 15. Meetup helps too, even if meetups are irregular and I usually don't talk to anyone there.

Work provides social opportunities too; people who I feel I understand better. I still am pretty terrible at starting conversations though. Last night was a monthly afterwork social and I mostly leaned against a wall and watched people. I keep telling myself I should just head over to interesting looking people and talk, but that just feels super awkward. Oddly though, if I can make myself do it it usually ends up fine. The problem is just in my head. But I think that's characteristic of our species; the worlds we invent or construct are significantly ones where the rules are a mix of what is plausible at some biosocial level and emergent norms. Not stuff that's usually about physical possibility, so it's in our collective heads. That doesn't mean we can dismiss the difficulties though.