Blog: What your fading feels like

What your fading feels like
What your fading feels like
Date: 2018-May-21 19:43:23 EST

Occasionally I get a very particular impression ; if reality is normally a 3d grid oriented the way I normally see things, this is all those lines that have fallen a bit further than 45 degrees, with a definite impression of movement. It's not a good feeling; leads to some strong vertigo and a feeling that standing up is nearly impossible even in theory. Some parts of me whisper that this is what dying would feel like for me in particular, and that everyone probably has their own broken states of mind on the way down. Feels plausible. I sometimes wonder about the states of experience between awareness and the rest; I feel I can almost catch the transition between paying attention and letting time pass without. Like catching the back of my own head. And in the occasional meeting where I'm underslept and have trouble following the topic, I still make memories of the disjointed thoughts, and notice they're disjointed at times, and sometimes manage to pull myself together at annoyance at the nonsense. Maybe death would be like one of these transitions. Assuming a natural death, of course. Anything that'd physically obliterate my brain, or other non-natural ways to go would probably not produce any transition whatsoever, just an end.

Today I had occasion to use Amazon Workspaces to test some code at work that external users are having issues with. When it works, it's quite nice (and it usually works). Some operations you might want to do (e.g. enlarge an instance you already made) fail with a super-unhelpful error message and a pointer to a FAQ that has no help for you, and it's unclear why you can't make more than one of these workspace instances per user. But then, all of this is un-ideal, in that it should all just be instances on EC2. Oh well. Works well enough.

I'm intrigued by this call to break up Facebook. I understand why people might want to break up FB to reduce the concentration of power, but this particular plan would probably lead to the immediate demise of Messenger at least, and possibly the rest if they could not be profitable. I don't really know what a general plan to do breakups would look like, but they probably should not result in one viable central old company locked into a narrow market, and then corpses all around it. I suspect somehow splittimng up the core company in ways that leave viable narrower companies is what would have to happen. And if we're doing this often, we should adjust the factors that make large gloms of power so likely.

Preparing for the work trip this coming weekend. There's not a ton to arrange, but it's enough outside my comfort zone to be annoying. Plus I'd like to see Deadpool 2 sometime this week before I go. Maybe tonight.

Weirded out a bit that the idea of "having a pool body" or not is bothersome to some political/social-values persuasions. Although I really should've expected it; body-positivity is a movement I never believed in (despite not having a particularly amazing body), and for those that believe in it, they presumably have removed from themselves (or at least have gone into denial over) a lot of conceptions of presentability and beauty and so on that others believe in. And on that note, I should get to work on losing weight.

Made mujadara this last weekend. Predictably, my body feels like it's pushing out a bit of onion through my skin, and my eyes are tearing up a bit continually. Not fun. Wondering if it's coming out, or if it just got stuck in from external exposure. Next time maybe I'll do gloves and goggles and find out.