Blog: Evenings of Calor

Evenings of Calor
Evenings of Calor
Date: 2019-Aug-05 01:40:09 EST

It's been a hot few weeks. And intellectually messy. This last week a former coworker whom I miss came back for a week. It was good to catch up, but it also reminds me how rarely I click with people, and how I often don't take as much advantage of that as I should. Largely because I'm afraid of loss when they wander back out of my life, and I'm also afraid of getting close to them because it means a kind of vulnerability. If I got too close, and then it turns out we see the world too differently, that'd hurt worse than not getting that close. It still is something that leaves me alone though, and that's not good for me.

At work, I found myself in the odd position of needing to write a code of conduct to help a project apply for a grant (they have odd requirements). I did my best to have it do what a CoC needs to do without doing what I see as typical overreach. This is good for me, I think, in that there are some practices that are important to do the right thing on these topics, and while I find it odd that these practices need to be written down, the harms from being unwilling to act are bad, as are the harms from being overwilling to act. And I don't want to be the critic who never needs to exercise some level of good governance. It's important not to be that punk.

My neck is getting better from this PT, but going is slow. It helps to know that I must care for it.

NDT tweeted about the recent shootings, putting them in the perspective of all the other way people die. A number of anger-prizing people are unfollowing him because of that and making a show of it. And I am irritated at those people. It is a better trait to be able to discuss charged topics, handling differences on them (and fact-checking, and other framings) well rather than stomping off. I know why people (including myself) see these things as being more significant than car crashes and other random deaths despite the numbers not lining up - we view acts with intentionality more severely because they push on norms and expectations and ideals in ways that random shit doesn't. An act with intent behind it breaks trust in our norms and makes us mistrust each other in a way that negligent homicide never could. And I could discuss this calmly over tea with anyone who's likewise capable.

Recently been playing MGSV through again. It's a good game. And I'm still weirded out by the depiction of the character of Quiet (I don't need to see the camera rotating around her that much), although as a kind of messed-up love story it makes sense (and, just as I've read Ayn Rand, I'm generally not someone to shy away from works I find coming from a perspective I'm not so comfortable with). I'm picking up more of the meaning behind the work (constructing an understanding of some of the struggles with power that soldiers have, and otherwise examining that life and ideals around it). The "married to the job" aspect that comes from the story element of the parasite antidote making soldiers sterile? Powerful (if weird). The unintentional coverage of voyeurism in seeing depictions of others is also interesting.

I sometimes think about hooking my blog up to one of the commenting sidecars (like Disqus), or possibly writing my own again. Do I still know enough people that I might get some good conversation out of that? Or would it just be 2-3 people at most? Would I change what I write? I think if I knew that I would get a lot of conversation, I'd write more about philosophy and current events and write a lot more generally. But it's hard to get an audience if your site is standing alone - that's one of the things LiveJournal and GooglePlus were good for. And the internet we know today is much more centralised than it was in the old days. Even though that lives largely in the habits of people. I wonder if that can be reversed. I think it would be good if it could be.