Archives, page 21

Tue Jan 1 21:58:10 2013
That Need for Humans

There are times when I find it strange that I have this need to be around humans when I don't interact with them much; these occasional trips to the teahouse help me feel sane even when there are no conversations involved. It must be instinct; as social animals, being around others helps us meet invisible needs. I do need so much more on the other levels of this, but at least meeting this level helps keep me rooted to some degree; I may be unhappy without a proper circle of friends, but I would go nuts without at least this level of contact.

I explored this in Oyschlisn, at least a bit. That's actually part of the title of that comic.

Fri Jan 4 06:05:00 2013

Entry is private

Thu Jan 10 15:57:01 2013
Comedy Gold

Saw this on slashdot. Haven't finished laughing yet.

"Whether he is right or not is immaterial. Now is the time to assert your dominance. Sucker punch him and urinate on him while he's down to put him back in check."

Fri Jan 11 23:55:44 2013
Toys just arn't doing it anymore

Back from visiting family, replenished my need for distraction with a few more things... Vibram shoes, more socks, possibly eventually a new cellphone. It still all feels empty though, even if some of it is stuff I need. This lonliness won't be cured with more toys. Cleaning my apartment is an oddly similar thing; I don't *really* mind some mess, but it feels good to put things away and get them neat, even as the cats delight in mess. Still, nobody else ever comes here, and it's almost as if an optimiser is cutting out all of my life that doesn't impact anyone else. And that's *everything*. If nobody but family really interacts with me much, if I have no close friends, there's this feeling of what really matters I feel tugging at me that I can't meet. Improving things that don't matter doesn't really help.

I really had hoped some of the job stuff would've worked out better, and maybe that would've been a good way to make new friends. Maybe there's still time.

Tue Jan 15 16:26:13 2013
Book storting

I've been spending so much time sorting my books for my new Kindle. Yawn.

I wish the conversions didn't take so long, and that there were some standard for tagging books like ID3 or Vorbiscomment.

Wed Jan 16 15:28:31 2013
Mobi Douche

Learning that Calibre's preferences to convert my PDFs to MOBI format are really bad preferences; great-looking PDFs reduced to ugliness. Occasionally unreadable. On upside, they're annotatable, but that's no good if I don't want to read them to begin with.

Removing all MOBIs where I have a PDF, re-uploading to device. At least Calibre doesn't make that too hard.

Fri Jan 18 05:15:23 2013
Cycles of Life

There's something intricate about the diurnal cycle; the noise of awake times coupled with the quiet of sleep. I am glad I have two cats to share that with; the cycle inside my head is not mine alone.

Sun Jan 20 14:36:30 2013
Surviving Again

Yesterday I hung out with Stephen, his wife, and his kid again; after all that we were going to head to TeaL to do work things, but I had a migraine when I woke up yesterday (mild) and it suddenly worsened into a really bad one; we made it to TeaL but I was losing some of my vision and couldn't think straight by the time I made it there, and a few sips of really hot tea didn't help. I just remember stumbling out the door and have some missing memories between then and being in great pain on my bed at home; the pain only started to lift around 5am, after which I finally managed to get to sleep.

This is particularly frustrating because Stephen's so busy that it's hard to get ahold of him, and ... well, the being in agony about once a week sucks too, but I've had that, with varying frequency, over my entire life. It is one of those things that frequently whispers into my ear that life isn't worth living, but it's not alone on that front and it alone I could bear (although it's probably best I never own a gun if these unpained times from the perspective of unpained judgement are enough; the "I would do anything to end this pain" is pretty literal at times).

I'm feeling mostly right again now. No after-migraine high for me this time; if I had that with this migraine, it probably happened while I was asleep after the bulk of the pain lifted. Either way, I need to prioritise the getting-another-slice-of-Stephens-time-for-work thing right now. There have always been migraines. For the forseeable future, there will be more terrible migraines - a lot of them. Just gotta deal the cards I've been dealt and still try to make a livable life.

Mon Jan 21 12:30:01 2013
Shadows of Guilt

I hit someone in a dream. IRL, my thoughts of violence are incredibly rare; they're even rare in dreams. I feel a little guilty about it.

In the dream, my parents had a houseguest who was continually insinuating things about what she believed I believed, getting absolutely everything wrong, and not acknowledging when I was trying to respond or converse. I eventually grabbed my things together to leave (in a way that indicated this was meant to have strong social meaning), but I left my keys and had to go back and get them from the table. I think she kept going, acknowledging my presence by adding a "and Pat, who is right here, ..." clause to her continuing monologue, but continued to ignore all my attempts at engaging with her rather wrong assertions, upon which I hit her on the nose and stormed off.

I'd like to think that I would never hit someone for that reason in real life. It seemed to make sense at the time, in the dream, and maybe IRL people might say that someone might be "asking for it", but the issue wouldn't be them, it'd be me.

But then, in dreams I've often found myself doing things alien to my real-world (personality) nature.

Thu Jan 24 00:02:32 2013
Missed Chances

Got in touch with someone neat on OkC; she wanted to get tea, but was very slow in scheduling a time to meet. She eventually said she went on a third date with someone and was pursuing that. Mailed her back, said I was happy for her and good luck.

I would've said that even if I had been terribly disappointed, and she really did look cool, but I think it's been hard for me to get over Kep. Makes me unhappy that I put so much effort and love into that and am not even acknowledged, but such is life. A few weeks ago she did another media post that was very explicit in the nonacknowledgement, and I decided to stop following her because I didn't want to keep sampling the hurt. I hope that's reasonable, although who is to judge? I spend my days surrounded mostly by silence and acquaintances, but even had I close friends here, people don't generally judge every little corner of someone's life, particularly the romantic bits. Barring outrageous behaviour, we all mostly stand back, and applaud if someone manages to make something lasting.

Maybe at some point I'll be over her. It might take the start of a new relationship for that to happen though.