Having Been Human
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Wed May 9 21:08:16 2012
Where to be Lonely

Yesterday, I went to an evening meetup in the Wall Stret area; it was a current events and economics discussion group, and we talked about trends in globalisation and how markets move jobs and people around. It was a great conversation; diverse positions, diversity in ages, people from diverse walks of life, and like tends to be the case in NYC, people from all over the country. That part of town, as I think I may have mentioned in an earlier blog post, has a different feel than most of NYC; the land is a bit bumpy, the streets narrow, and the buildings tall, giving the feel of a mountain valley. I am split between finding the people there comfortably familiar and uncomfortably elitist; my complicated class-identity comes out there more than most other parts of the city.

Today, after spending quite a lot of time getting things done for my part-time job, I decided to head up to Yaffa; I had a fantastic pasta of some sort (regretting not remembering what its name was, but immediately forgetting what I order is as much one of my quirks as liking to drink a hot and cold beverage in close proximity). Walked a few blocks afterwards to check out B-Cup Cafe, which is another kind of coffeeshop that I hadn't seen yet in NYC; it doesn't put on airs and is a bit beat-up, has great food, and a laid-back atmosphere; seems the place where you can sit with a laptop for a few hours. The prices are reasonable too. It is in a slightly bad neighbourhood, but that's ok. The music is wonderfully depressing too.

Right now my head is full of lonely; some time back, I had a conversation with the mother of an ex-girlfriend (long after the breakup and the relative normalisation), and mentioned I was thinking of leaving Pittsburgh because I was lonely and felt I needed a new start; she suggested that the lonliness is something within me and is probably not something I can fix by moving. I'm coming to think maybe she was right. I'm feeling a bit weird knowing that my housemate has been here for about as long as I have (2 months?) and seems to have a local network of friends and possibly a girlfriend already, while I have just the light ties with people I used to know in Pittsburgh, which are such as I wouldn't feel right drawing on them much at all. The societies here are as much a sealed box as they were in other places I've lived, and yeah, it's probably because I've locked away the parts of myself that I need to use to make friends, and I don't remember where those parts are.

Being lonely in NYC is a bit less bad than being lonely in some other places. I think. Still difficult though.

I've also been thinking about the books I read as a child that felt like cruel revelations; things that opened my eyes to human nature and the human condition in ways that still hurt. Three examples:

Thinking about exposure to these as cousins to the noble lie; when to expose? Noble delay?