Having Been Human
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Sat Jun 30 21:49:34 2012
After fog

Feeling a bit better today, but still been depressed a lot recently.

Last night I ordered/downloaded the latest Dar Williams CD, and was listening to bits of it at Tea Lounge today until I realised silent tears were streaming down my face. Emotionally powerful stuff, probably not right for a coffeeshop. Might go to the art exhibition of one of the waitresses at TL in DC in the coming months; she does installations (not so interested) and sculpting (much more interested).

I'm happy I managed to get through the revision/restatement on value-foundations today; also finally have a better word than "pragmas" for third-tier values. At some point I'll need to go back and incorporate the changes in this revision/restatement into what's on my website, which needs quite a lot of work in general and doesn't even have all the stuff up there that I thought, which is far less than what should be up there.

Been bothered a lot recently by the discovery that I still have a fair bit of self-difficulty with my gender-identity and my earlier thoughts that I had conquered the self-loathing were not actually accurate. Some of this came from how I consider certain positions or status to be "for experts only" and would avoid talking about certain things with kids; I never really deconstructed that before (I would feel comfortable talking about being bisexual but heteroromantic with a fellow liberal adult but probably avoid the topic altogether with someone not old enough to defend an opinion), and pulling it out and looking at it uncovered some wells of shame and self-anger for not being straight that I have yet to deal with. Damnit. Plus there's still the abuse that I need to face someday. Still generally tired, and maybe moreso with diving into the wells of pain in my head. There was a recent conversation on my blog that I was actually afraid to come back to after awhile because the topic was unexpectedly painful (well, that and there's the ever-present threat of disqualification arguments and misbe-thirdwave-iour). Still getting back to calmness.

I really should be getting back to stories and art. I want a better environment for that in the next place I live; not sure if it will actually help me be more creative, but I hope so.

The warm weather is more nice than not, although my computers are pretty unhappy.

There are places I want to visit.