Having Been Human
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Wed Jul 4 00:15:41 2012
Reflections on Interpersonal Distance

Had a reasonable day; I generally feel good about days where I make a good philosophy essay that I'm not ashamed of. I've been pretty productive on that front recently. Start of the day was full of laundry, second part was spent at Tea Lounge hammering out that essay (and a few smaller ones on other topics social media sites). There's a cool teahousetravailleur who had her last day today; chatted a bit about her future plans. I guess I'm making some good acquaintences so far; still no friends-by-my-definition yet, but maybe eventually? (Not with her, she's off to other states). It's strange how much these things still pain me, although I think my childhood of moving around a lot and having social ties ripped apart by distance still makes that kind of thing emotionally weird for me, even for ties that are not that strong.

Walk home again took me through Prospect Park, which I am increasingly fond of. In some ways I like it better than Schenley, although it is far less wild and that unstructuredness of Pittsburgh's parks still appeals to me. Sat in a few places on the way back to enjoy the fireflies and watch people live their lives. Envious, still feeling like I'm on the outside of society, but I am glad when I see it strong. Tender ... as in one who tends.

The lonely parts of me keep thinking that I somehow missed the path I'm supposed to be on long ago, maybe in the mess after Martha, maybe later. I'm coming to slowly feel that this is just the aftermath of getting past the stage in our lives when we're on rails our parents (and then college) set for us; taking responsibility for one's own life is terrifying in some ways. I do still want that happily ever after, which really means the same kind of life I have now except with friends and a significant other, because the difference of social ties is the distance between this heartbreaking pain and a happy life. My helplessness to meet any of my social needs, from conversation to simple human touch to having someone in my life where we mutually find each other awesome, that's like a periodic pop quiz that I don't know the answers to at all, and every time I flunk it it leaves me feeling a little bit less sane and a lot more pained.

Some part of me is trying to figure out all the things I can change in my life if I get hired, and another part is trying to figure out if I'll be hired and how soon I'll hear it.

I'm bummed that the hot weather is making the cats less cuddly, although I can completely understand why. I don't overheat very readily, but in the rare occasions I do, being near warm things is probably not what I'd want. This weather really isn't bothering me at all though; I'm drinking just as much hot tea as ever. I guess I am taking more showers though. Still, this isn't Texas hot.