Having Been Human
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Tue Jul 10 19:23:22 2012
Blood and Heart

Yesterday, my youngest sister swung by again, largely to pick up a mirror that I've been taking care of for ELeathers forever; I've been trying to get it closer to Boston so she can grab it while she's still there. Andrea and I wandered up to Williamsburgh, where we walked the main street and talked more about family, mostly about what the other siblings are up to. Eventually she had to go, so I hopped the train back through Manhattan and to DitmasPark, but when walking home from the train station I had another heart episode and nearly collapsed on the sidewalk. The heart thing is pretty rare nowadays, but it's really irritating when it shows up; all the sudden my heart skips a beat, then goes into overdrive, the blotchy overlay of red static fades in over my vision (to varying degrees), my limbs feel strange pain and a coldness, and the absurdly strong heartbeat feels like it's shaking me. I can probably just barely appear like nothing's happening to me if I need to interact with someone briefly, maybe. Barely made it home before collapsing onto my bed.

Woke up today with a mild migraine, went back to sleep, felt better around 15:00 so I came to TeaLounge. It's strange to get migraines and a heart thing in such close proximity. I'm still feeling a bit off. I'm bummed; really expected to go running today. Oh well.

Recently I've been thinking more about difficult people, and things that enable people to be difficult. Having a very strong notion of that (partly because my family is full of difficult people) and of how it is possible/desirable to care for people without giving in to pushy demands, has informed a lot of my politics and philosophy. It's part of why I'm so comfortable laughing off criticism that being critical of Israel is anti-semitic, or that not choosing maximally-validating philosophy for some groups is somehow anti-them. No; if they demand *anything* but the usual human care for themselves of the shape of my philosophy, if they demand anything but good intent/no malice, they don't have a leg to stand on; they're being difficult, and I can just stand back and still care for them but not give them everything they want. I think this is a very important life lesson; a call for broad toleration of the different kinds of people in the world is generally a good thing. A call for broad validation of all the possible choices in the world is not; it is intolerant and obnoxious.

Maybe I should write more about that in my philosophy blog. But then, I an no longer attempting to push on someone.

I am still thinking back on that; the one thing that has me most reliably close social ties is when I make an effort to do the right thing and I am criticised for it.