Having Been Human
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Thu Jul 12 15:35:16 2012
I like my coffee like I like my nights

I think 「Vampire Coffee」 would be a fantastic name for a 24-hour coffeeshop. I'm not sure if 「Vampire Tea」 would have the same flow. Are vampires more tea-drinking creatures or coffee-drinking creatures?

This reminds me of something I used to toss around in my head when I was a kid; classifying animals by how stereotypically human-male or human-female they are; I decided that dogs are more masculine and cats more feminine back then, although the existence of female dogs and male cats really didn't fit the schema. Eventually that way of thinking about things started to fall apart, but it was an amusement.

Maybe I'll risk going to a coffeeshop after all.

One of the nice things about having split this from my ideas blog is that I no longer feel much pressure to keep it relevant; even though I doubt there are more than one or two people who bother reading my main blog, I had generally hoped to keep it something I could be vaguely proud of; as my life generally involves a lot of solitude (more than I want, certainly, but I do want a fair amount), the things I can judge myself well for count a lot more than what the TV-watching public want, at least to me. It has removed an emotional outlet to shift my personal life almost entirely out of that place to here, but now I can be comfortable being more personal here... with nobody watching... but that's ok. I guess I could've registered another LJ account, made it paid, and mirrored this there, but even then I think most people just friended me as a courtesy, and my ties to my CMU days are definitely on the wane. Such is life.

Didn't get the Google job. Wasn't entirely surprised given how fuzzy I was on some topics in the interviews. Not like I didn't know them at all, but I was rusty enough that when asked about them I gave plausible-but-wrong answers then and only pulled together the right answers over the next few days. Oh well. I think I probably could've done the job really well, but I can't blame them for not hiring me.

Still at another kind of zero point in life; I have no personal or business ties here, I'm still hoping to get more NYC flavour in my life, and I really don't know what's next. Right now everything's an endless procession of coffeeshops, migraines, things to write about, occasional meetups that don't lead to friendships but are still interesting, and occasional work on my stories. I keep wondering if there's some job out there that I would be really well suited-for, or some person. Still feeling like I've wandered really far off from some grand plan for my life that was supposed to be great; if I believed in some kind of destiny (which maybe I do emotionally but not intellectually; my head is full of all sorts of nonsense like that, being human.. human being.. haha blogtitle), the lovers I was destined for have all made it past the gap I was supposed to fill with probabiy a few bumps, and the job I am meant for is being filled by someone else with just a vague feeling from all concerned that things are a bit off. But that's silly magical thinking. Probably inspired by the end of Serial Experiments: Lain, or other such stories. Still, we are creatures of often-irrational stories.

What if I hadn't followed Debb back to Pittsburgh? Or what if I hadn't made the leap-of-faith in moving to be near Kep? What if I had actually taken the scholarships to better schools rather than insisting on going to Ohio State because I liked the campus? What if I had gone to CMU-Q, or what if I had taken that offer of working in a psychology lab in Germany that was made after I had some great conversations with visiting scholars from there while working in CMUPsych? Or, actually, what if things hadn't ended with Nicole? Of the people I dated, she was the one person who seemed to be good at keeping my head together in some sane way. Maybe that's because I was doing that for her too, and maybe it's because that was the only relationship I had that was fully there and really functional for a time. We were very supportive of each other, and having that without restraints really made the general burdens of life lighter. So many choices I could've made differently or things I could have saved. Now I'm just aimless in NYC, not even affiliated with CMU to any meaningful extent (not that CMU is always the prettiest name to be affiliated with).