Having Been Human
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Sat Jul 21 01:00:35 2012
Missed Protocols

There are times in life when I was given a perhaps-more-than-friendly hug and I was either confused, shocked, or too cowardly to ever return the warmth that might've led to something more. It's been so long now that I regret having lost those chances. Still terrifying on some level that there is nobody here for me at all, and that these years have just seen a continued thinning of ties. There was once someone I had feelings for, and I remember walking with her up the hill of Forbes Avenue, talking about the shape of our lives and depression. I liked her, but we had not hung out often; she took me into her arms for one of those hugs; I regret not returning it as warmly as I should've; we simply parted afterwards. She later ended up dating someone I disliked, and that brief moment of what felt like a connection attenuated back down into negligibility.

Just more of that feeling of always looking in on society from the backstage; seeing the script and knowing that I'm not on it. There are times I am disappointed in everyone there; they keep forgetting that I exist, and I can see them all interacting with each other, love and hate and simple friendships, but none of it is for me. A long time ago perhaps I wandered off the path given to me, and the rare people who could be my friends fell out of reach; now it's just near misses and endless disappointment; this bidirectonal uncanny valley between me and most people.

Strange to have lived in this apartment for a few months and needing to move on already. Feeling rootless, disconnected.