Having Been Human
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Thu Aug 16 01:30:12 2012
Refactoring

(reposting this; removed original for some needed revisions) My life is being refactored rather heavily right now. I need to figure which parts of it I like, which I don't, and which I'm wary of. An only-slightly-expected end of a job will put me back onto savings for awhile, but I've applied to a variety of worthwhile jobs and expect to get one of them; they'll be full-time, and they'll mean an end to this existence of skimping so much on everything; I hated needing to leave a great philosophy meetup because I could not afford the (reasonable) membership fees. Well, I mean, I could afford it, but there are bodies of funds that I am trying to keep safe and grow rather than draw upon too heavily.

The end of the job happened today. It happened a few hours after I got a new lease (well, was given the thumbs up on it; I am heading into the leasing office tomorrow to actually sign it and bring certified checks). It was a job I was not entirely happy with anyhow in a number of areas, but the income trickle was nice.

There's a guy I've gotten to know who's doing a lot of things with space and science and social shaping and the like. We seem to get along well and have good conversations, and I've spent some time hanging out with him and his wife and adorable kid. I'm getting mildly involved in some of his ideas; he's a lot more involved in entepreneurial things, and arranging neat things with big-name people (museum-ish things, science stores, etc), plus he's a reasonably unixy person with solid development skills and knowledge. The (so far light) involvement in the things he's working on is enjoyable, and the company is good.

The upcoming move should be pretty exhausting, but the apartment is pretty cool. The distance is just far enough that I'm not sure whether it's worth walking stuff over, taking the (1 stop) subway trip, or arranging for a car/van/etc for the move. I won't have to worry about the problem for 5-6 days, when I actually get the keys, but it should be exhausting. But then, unless these interviews really pick up pace, I'll have plenty of time. But then, I've had plenty of time ever since I left CMU. I miss CMU and Pittsburgh fairly often. I haven't been back since I cut what was a kind of important (one-sided) social tie because someone fell in with a bad crowd and changed in a fanatical and seriously bad way, but Pittsburgh meant and means a lot more to me than that and I still love it.

Now that I'm seriously out of the woods and in NYC, I need to be thinking hard about what comes next and what I need to do to make that next thing happen. Unless I make a conscious decision to stay in NYC, I don't want to get stuck here (I could imagine being very happy bouncing between Pittsburgh and Brooklyn, or maybe Portland and Brooklyn, several times a year, but that'd take some doing).

I've been excited to have some entirely new dreams recently that are worth making more solid and turning into stories. I've put of knitting for awhile; hoping to eventually get back to it. I keep underinvesting in surfaces and work areas; hoping to change that the next time I'm well-employed.

Becoming more certain that I can't handle much milk at all in my diet anymore, which is a major disappointment because there are some (swiss) cereals that I really like. Not sure they'd be at all the same with water.

I hope living alone again won't be too damaging. As much as Chris and I haven't been the best of roomates, things haven't been terrible, and even the notion that there's another person around was kind of nice. I won't miss waiting to use the bathroom (eep need to shower and leave quickly but he's in the shower, or really need to use the toilet and waiting), but maybe living with another person is nice. Oh well, until and unless I date again, or at least until this future lease (of 1 year) is over, I'll be living alone. Glad that learning all new places isn't mandatory given the reasonably short distance of the move; some places are a bit less convenient, but the difference is small. There was a much cheaper place with 3 other people that I was supposed to see earlier today instead, but the neighbourhood gave me the chills and it was also out in the middle of nowhere, with an hour's transit to the Tea Lounge. Cancelling that showing was probably the right move.

I still struggle with these fits of angst though, and am still a lot more lonely than I'd like. Still wondering if there are any people much like me around here, and why I didn't engage more with more of the people I knew at CMU who were distinct in ways that I am distinct when I am fully engaged. Maybe age differences. Silly dinner parties, cooking together, inventing new games, that's my bread and butter and I just kind of sat by as it happened without me. But I guess I also didn't feel invited, but it's hard for me to gague when I actually am invited because of this paranoia. Oh well.

There was a different philosophy gathering recently about whether death is something to be feared, and I felt that the required reading was focusing on trivial, wordplay-ish things. I think it goes to show that even as I criticise many other flavours of it, I am far more continental in my approach to philosophy than analytical; to the extent that my thoughts resemble analytical philosophy, they're (mostly) justified through pragmatic continental means (my reading of Rawls is probably kind of weird). I charged at the problem of fear of death as instead a fear of mis-tending the stories that we build to contain our lives.