Having Been Human
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Wed Sep 5 04:17:02 2012
Lime and the Seas

Crushing 1 lime to lightly flavour a jugful of chilled water is a wonderful thing.

Still having moments of panic and crushing depression when I think about how my life should be at this point and the total lack of affection and scarcity of emotional connectedness. Hating that I keep batting people away to the point of not really knowing what affection looks like anymore. Hating that the opportunities for ties are so scarce to begin with. Disappointed that our society is structured in many ways to work against me on that front.

I find it tough to imagine friendship without fragility; that people won't get bored with each other, or that the possibilities for interaction won't wear out once mapped. It all seems so pointless sometimes, but I see around me people who don't seem to have that problem. I don't understand it. Maybe I need novelty too much? Maybe others don't map possibility in the way I do, or can't see as far ahead? Maybe the repetition actually is fine and I just don't have the experience to know that I could like that? These deep grooves cleaving the space of possibility may be fertile valleys rather than mechanisation? Or maybe I am underestimating the possibility inherent in these moments. Or being too clinical.

Either way, I am on the outside of something that seems to be necessary to be inside to remain intact, and my doubts about its interiour should not make me so wary of it. Intellectual and instinctual distancing should be seen as two separate things to deal with.

Books help in some ways, if I do my best not to trace my fingers too far ahead of what I might learn from them. Still doesn't help social interactions, which are usually so tracable.

Really needing the right kind of company.