Having Been Human
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Wed Nov 7 23:22:59 2012
Exploration of Regret

Again thinking about how at some points in my life I actually had a group of people where I knew them long enough to open up a bit to them and some degree of group fondness was slowly established. It always took a long time and always felt incomplete because I don't trust people enough to easily let them get close. Really hate that about myself. Thought came to me when I was making tea a few minutes ago in my apartment and remembered the going-away party thrown by the Psych research group. I have already wasted so many years being emotionally alone; the closest I ever let people get are at arm's length, and even then that's damned rare. I'm in my mid-30s now. And I don't know if I can change this about myself. And it makes me as miserable as the frequent migraines and depressive/anxiety fits. What good is it to go on as I am now? All my past efforts at change have failed, and I am as alone now as I ever was. Moving didn't help because the problem, as someone I was once as close as I let people get who I'm not dating once told me, is inside me.

This is an interesting life, and my studies of science and philosophy and politics and world events and history and language have let me see so much. But it feels hollow because these things are great icing but there is essentially no cake. The emotional pain is constant and deep.