Having Been Human
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Wed Nov 14 15:25:48 2012
Inexplicable horrors in daily life

Really wish I understood why often, when in debate, if someone solidly concedes a point to me it sometimes triggers in me a deep horror. Maybe a cousin to receiving a compliment. This seeps to be part of a big area of brokenness in me that I don't understand, and to a certain extent I've structured my life in a way so as to avoid complementing people or being complimented, the former because I hate the former so much. I might compliment someone behind their back, but practically never to their face.

I don't think I'm exactly afraid of all kinds of intimacy (although it does make me nervous); I'm afraid of explicit, self-aware and on-the-table intimacy. I prefer to take things as understood, and have enough mutual dropping of hints to make sure both sides are on the same page of a status, but explicitly acknowledging such a status (like "you are my friend") makes my skin crawl.

This has a big cost in my personal life, but it is enough part of my personal fabric that the fact that fixing it would involve doing those things I've become so averse to makes me disinclined to fix it. Sigh.