Having Been Human
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Thu Dec 6 03:25:30 2012
Fuel and Gruel

Feeling this lonliness eat at me again. Sending out little packets of hope on OkC whenever I can manage to gather enough hope to do so, but never a response. Not enough people in my life to have people to hang out with; still looking for 4-5 people who actually want that kind of thing. Have zero now. Moments of panic grip me when I think about this too much. Days go by and I lose track of things.

Antsy about finding a job too. I don't want to dip into my emergency funds, but I only have another month or two that I can easily squeeze out of my main savings account. So hard to find good work.

Might try that teaching thing. Getting more enthused about it. Lesson plans are coming together. Maybe 4 tracks:

Meetups help a little bit. People to talk to, but it's scheduled and not organic enough. Not people I can call, or who it'd be appropriate to build personal ties to.

Frequent fantasies about being able to erase myself from existence; not death per say, but never having been. Emotional debt needs to be repaid somehow. Trying to distract myself with creativity, knitting, coding, but it all feels so hollow. Nobody will ever know. I am a closed loop. None of this has any point if I can't connect to people. We're a social species.

Tired.