Having Been Human
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Mon Dec 10 19:51:51 2012
Belongingness

I think the biggest thing missing in my life right now is a sense of belongingness. I don't have anyone I belong to or with, no job, no community, and hardly anyone who *really* qualifies as a friend here in the sense I need friends. All these things are stuck at zero.

I don't think I really even want anything right now. I keep myself fed, go for walks in the park, but I struggle to desire more. I want to belong, but I have no real way to meet that overriding priority. Some days I stare at the ceiling for hours, or "sleep" through day and night. Sometimes I feel depressed, sometimes I don't feel much of anything, and a lot of the time I don't feel much of a sense of self. I hardly remember what it was like to feel these things. I am tired.

On up days I keep trying to learn things, maybe for work, maybe just to stay active. I get bored of tasks so easily, but coding is okay and working on details of my stories or philosophy. Can't find my knitting book, or I might be working on that too.

So much lonliness.