Have been wondering about my style of life. There's a faction in me that seems discontent with the quiet peace that I have brought into my life by my philosophy. I watch others live complex lives, pain, tears, and ludicrous happiness all dancing around each other like a ferris wheel. I feel that I am perhaps at the center, almost still, where I can still feel the spokes a bit, but am hardly affected by them. My desire for peace is dominant now, and likely will be for the forseeable future, but I suppose the faction within me that is discontent will probably continue to feel jealous for what I have been trying to avoid. It envies the hurt that I sees around me, and feels stifled and dead, unneeded in my simple life. Oh tactical and feeling faction, I know you cannot, but I heed you to rest! Parts of you would be satisfied with merely being consumed with me loving again, and it concievably may happen sometime in the future. In honesty, it probably will not, but be satisfied with the hope! The angst you would welcome would destroy us all, and bring to an end our role as a philosopher.
Have been reading more about all that's going on in the Israel/Palestine area of the world, and see it as an example of how the stupid do-gooder will to comprimise messes up a solution. I have always found the politics of the region to be interesting, and repeat a prediction I made several years ago, that peace will never exist in the area until one side is either mostly dead or evacuated. Each side is fighting for what they consider their homeland, and so their conflict is one which can never be resolved, as they cannot coexist. Do I lean one way or the other? I suppose I'm marginally more sympathetic to the Palestinians, as there still exist Palestinians who lived there before they were swept aside by the Zionist movement in the wake of WW2. But at this point, most of the atrocity of the creation/destruction of Israel/Palestine is already over, and likely the majority of the wronged Palestinians are dead at this point, so the moral significance of that atrocity bears less weight than it once dead. I reject as completely uninteresting both sides religious claims to the land. What do I imagine the future holds for the region? I would imagine that the Israelis will eventually kill enough Palestinians that their claim to the land will be seen as legitimate by western powers, betting on the maxim that it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I suppose the Zionists really have reaped the reward for their stupidity in pushing for Israel as their new homeland -- it would've been far more intelligent for them to ask for a region of Western Germany, as that location would've been safer and quite likely to be granted out of the lands of a defeated nation. Alternatively, it would've been interesting if the United States had offered of its own lands, perhaps a strip of land stretching from far southern California to southern New Mexico. These lands would've been quite safe, much of them are less than desirable to Americans yet would be relatively familiar to Israelis, and the new nation would result in less of a border with Mexico, making U.S. interests in immigration control easier. Alternatively, perhaps this offer could be made today, to the Palestinians or the Israelis.
Have been experimenting with washing my hair with soap instead of shampoo, with quite good results. Normally my hair is too curly to be shaped, but the soap straightens it a bit. If only I could find my favorite comb -- I took it with me on the O'Reilly conference, and either I lost it there, or I packed it somewhere I haven't found yet. Also, my digital camera is wandering around somewhere in my apartment, and I haven't seen it for awhile, although I have it's batteries. Speaking of pictures, I recently added a media section to my webpage, with mostly pics taken by me, but a few pics taken of me. Huzzah.
Things are beginning to resolve themselves on all fronts, although their timing leaves a bit to be desired. I now definitely have a place to live after my current lease, and will be signing the new lease and beginning to move this coming weekend. Job places are beginning to call, with 2 fairly solid looking opportunities in the local area (an antique portal doing Perl stuff and OSU) and one in suburban Chicago. There was another place that I was looking into called Starbak -- apparently a lot of ppl I know work there, but that doesn't look like it's going to work out. I have the OSU interview tomorrow morning. I wish all these job things would've happened sooner -- with my moving, I'm really going to need to move my current telephone number to the new place, something I hoped I would be able to avoid. I was hoping actually to switch to a cell phone and not use a home phone at all. I don't use phones that much, so my fees would probably be low. Oh well.
Have seen Martha a bit at Insomnia, and it has combined with my having eaten Taco Bell in the last few days to make me feel somewhat ill. But I'm feeling better. Have had a bit of email with her as well, more on the flavor of resolutions. From my POV, and perhaps hers, her life isn't going well (on the big perspective, anyhow -- no short-term disasters). I don't want to chew on that too much though, lest it poison me. Might also have a visit from the ex-bf before I move.
I guess I'm looking at the next few weeks with curiosity at what's going to end up happening. It's been awhile since I've had to change my lifestyle, and it looks like the gears are beginning to shift again.
Oh, a supplemental to my last journal entry. Apparently, the soap for shampoo idea was a great success -- I like the way it alters the texture of my hair. Huzzah! Of course, it's the little and big experiments that irritate my parents, as it moves me out of the status quo, but I suppose for the sake of philosophy, I regard my entire life as a public experiment. This diary, and my writings, are the logs for that experiment, and I feel a need to bare all. Well, nearly all. There still might be a few things I don't talk about or fully specify here or there, and there are several writings that I've kept to myself because they're about people I know and they might read them. It is sometimes interesting to go back and check them for accuracy of prediction and analysis.
Today, I moved a fair amount of my stuff to my new residence. Wally is there, as is my main desk, my NeXT, most of my books, and a fair amount of my other stuff. Still no sign of my camera -- hopefully it'll turn up when I move the rest of my stuff. If not, I'll be very very unhappy. I am reminded of my impressions of the place -- I definitely don't like the neighborhood, but the room itself is pretty decent. I wish it were closer to campus. But... it's odd -- right around now at least some of the benefits of living where I was are falling apart -- Insomnia is closing in about a week, and Jason's moving to a new place. It was nice being right across the street from him. It'll be odd getting used to living with people again. Hopefully I'll adapt okay, and even if I don't, the rent is cheap so if I get a good job, I'll be able to pay off the remains of the rent with little pain. Anyhow, I'm exhausted after moving all that stuff, and I think I might go out to see a movie later with Tom, so I'd do well to get some sleep.
I appear to be getting very depressed over the moving, bringing me out of my normal two emotional states (numbness and a kind of dedicated fire) that I've been in for most of the last two years. Perhaps it's just the stress of dealing with change -- I feel like a turtle out of its shell. It doesn't help that I'm moving into a slum, nor that I'm moving away from all the things I liked about campus. I am very happy that this is a short term arrangement, and might even pay off the lease and move someplace nicer if I find a well paying job in Columbus. It'd be nice to be almost anywhere but where I'm moving to, nicer yet to be nearer some stores and restaurants, and perhaps ideal to move back near campus. But, I guess no matter what I do, Insomnia is closing, and that's a major blow to my happiness. I'm getting ready to take two of my desktop machines over to the new place right now, and thus must shut down you, my secondary, semi-two-headed workstation. For now, farewell holly, and farewell journal. No more entries until James can drill the needed holes for me to wire the house with roadrunner, although at least I'll have you back up in a few hours. Oh, and I'll probably bring torgo (my NFS server) over as well.
Recently I've been doing a lot of work on PernAngband. I'm pleased with the way the code is turning out -- my new status work should be quite clean and spiffy. Also, I finished (for now) writing my programming tutorial for my webpage, and am again starting work on digging through the old essays and revising and putting up the most interesting ones. I wish I had a secretary to help me manage all of my philosophy. Heh. Well, off to slumsville!
Updated my netdiary software so I could make this entry without being able to post it immediately (and without netdiary trying and failing). In a rather emotionally fragile mood. I really hate this moving business. Had a very painful dream with Martha in it, it had content similar to her inviting me over, snuggling with me, and falling asleep. I then dreamed that she went out the next day with someone else, and was romancing him. It's odd -- I never started feeling jealous until my relationship with her was already over -- perhaps it's that I trusted her, and I perhaps still see her going back to him as a destruction of that trust. There's so much that I could never say to her now, and I still seem to be in love with her even after all this time. And yet I also am very angry with her for her leaving me, going back to Ryan when it was clear her life patterns were harming her,
I also hope that I can recapture my numbness to this once I finish moving.
Hmm.. the impressionability of youth. It reminds me of a fear that I have that I've been able to trace precisely as well -- needles. I have an intense fear of needles and other things that enter the skin or an orifice, as I have a fear of them breaking off inside or otherwise falling inside the body and being irretrievable. Q-tips really freak me out. After tracing back through my memories, I believe that the problem was rooted when Maggie, my favorite dog out of all the dogs my family ever had (field spaniel, snored, very smart, brown with bits of white), got into my mother's sewing room one day and ate a needle. Eventually, it was found through an X-ray and removed, but the doctors said that if it had remained in her much longer, it would've gotten into her heart (it apparently was being pushed around in her body) and killed her. I'm pretty certain that the thought of that so horrified young Improv that he has a fear of needles and similar things to this day.
Speaking of moving, I seem to feel better now that I've spent more time on the big computers that I've moved in. It's nice to have my laptop, but somehow the big monitors on my main Alpha and my Athlon are more pacifying. Oh.. another thing about moving. While picking the decoration/spare parts out of my stairs in the old place, I took down the hammock that I had made for Evil, my first Iguana, and almost cried with the memories that came with it. I kind of cuddled with it for a few minutes, and wrapped it into a more compact form that for some reason really makes me happy to be around. The combination of the 2 hard metal bars and the many strands of yarn tying them together really strikes a chord with me -- it's like a metaphor for my personality and possibly my philosophy. Wally seems to be getting used to the new place surprisingly well. Just moved Dr. Forrester in, and he's kind of stressed. I need to build him a new hammock here -- the old one was dirty enough that I tossed it rather than try to clean it. The Iguana hammocks I make now are generally made from a piece of clothing that no longer fits, e.g. pants or a shirt, cut into wide/long strips, and with holes cut in for me to bind them to various parts of the Iguana cages with some tough string that I have. I think the string is kite string -- it's light and very strong, and I got it perhaps 4 years ago at Staples. It is, alas, in gaudy colors, but I'm willing to live with that.
Helped Jason apartment search yesterday, driving him around and calling places. Near the end of the trip, we were having a conversation about building styles, and eventually discussion of lobbies in buildings. On my suggestion, we went to look at a building on our street that I remembered as having a lobby. It was a very small lobby, and as we looked around it, we noticed that on the sides, there was a nice outdoor patio area on each bottom floor building, and parking was provided in front. We called -- rent there is about $600/mo for a 2-bedroom, so it was unsuitable for his needs, but I think perhaps if I get a good paying job in Columbus, I might want to live there, right back on Northwood. I've been worrying a bit recently about my life being off-track -- I really don't want to lose sight of my goal of going back to college within about 5 years and doing AI research, perhaps focusing on neural structures and their functionality, with the goal being to create a synthetic brain that way. Missed going to Insomnia last night -- I took a nap that turned out to be too long after getting back from the apartment search and moving another load here. I'm glad that I seem to be well on-schedule to having everything moved out by the deadline -- all that's left is the other Iguana cage, my ipnat OpenBSD box, my laptop, and a lot of miscellaneous junk. I don't know how easy it will be to move the other iguana cage -- I suppose I'll find out today. It would be very spiffy, although perhaps a bit unrealistic, for me to be completely moved out by the end of today.
I'm glad I added the no-upload functionality to my netdiary program -- I guess I had a lot to write about in this entry. Tschau
I like how in the new place, the light comes on when a car pulls up. It amuses me that a simple motion feature somehow makes me feel wanted, almost as if there's a friend inside always waiting for me to arrive. And as of 12:15 tonight, there no longer was an old place -- turned in my keys after a grueling day of moving. Well, actually, a gruelling several days. And in more way than the physical. Last night, I recieved two very upsetting prank calls from Martha's house. Apparently, she and some of her friends had become very drunk, and decided to torment me. I don't understand it -- I thought Martha wouldn't do such things, especially considering the civil tone of the brief email exchange we had recently.
I don't think I actually got any sleep at all last night, as I was too upset to manage to sleep. It's odd, last night, I also made an appointment with Tom to get together, and he said he'd definitely call me, and never did, and I tried calling him a few times, and he wasn't home. My laptop's power supply is dead -- last night while I was waiting for Tom, I stopped by Victorian's to see if it might be a suitable replacement for Insomnia, and plugged in my laptop across a gap to the wall, and someone walked by and broke it. I'm going to need to replace the bloody thing soon. While I was at Victorian's, I saw Lorie and met DJ Gregor for the first time -- they were doing SFF stuff. After they finished, Lorie and I went to Hounddog's (wanted to see if Insom crowd was there, I also like their garlic cheese bread). We ate, chatted a bit, and she was curious about my old place, so I showed it to her after we left. I then drove her home, started feeling very lonely, and then the car thing happened, and then the two calls. I spent the rest of the night trying to get to sleep dealing with emotional pain. I sometimes wonder why it is that I feel so different late at night. Maybe it's just slight tiredness or just being awake long enough has odd effects on everyone. I think it lowers my inhibitions a bit, makes me more emotionally vulnerable, and perhaps makes me feel more intelligent (for part of late at night, anyhow. Too late and I start to become rather unintelligent). Perhaps it ties into the Improv/Pat duality thing.
While I was moving, I was really captivated by the image of a near-complete object-ascetic. Was thinking about the idea of having a moderately sized place with almost nothing at all in it. A laptop, a desktop, a beanbag and a single pillow, hygenic supplies, a pen, and a lot of paper, and a small number of completely identical sets of clothing, and nothing else. The idea really grabbed me -- it has a strong appeal. I wonder if I'll ever be able to do it, or if my love of books will keep me from it. It will of course never happen completely until all my pets die, but I may be able to come fairly close.
I have a lot to do tomorrow. I need to set up my voicemail for my old phone number, finish moving the rest of my stuff out of the car, set up internet, and .. hmm. I guess that's it. It's still a lot to do. I still need to help Jason move some stuff; when he arrives, I'll be going back with him to help him move a desk down the stairs. He's in a bad situation -- had to move out, but no new place yet. He's going to live with Amanda until he gets his new place, storing half his stuff here, and half at Amanda's place. That's all for now, I want to lie down on my beanbag for a bit.
Ahh, yes, the car thing. Mentioned it. I think someone is stalking me, or at least was. Three times over the least week, a cute little black car has been hanging out outside my apartment, and it's driven away when I turned on a light or stepped outside. I don't have any idea who it could be --
Anyhow, Jeff got home, just talked with him for a bit. Still waiting for Jason. Internet withdrawl is really getting to me right now. It's not so much being off as knowing I can't get on. Getting the home network set up is my prime priority for tomorrow.
First whole day in the new place. Woke up, showered, and then went back to bed. Realized again that my room lacks any kind of external view at all, so night and day are arbitrary to me. Woke up again with a severe hunger headache, went to Bob Evans, came back, and talked about setting up the home network w/ James. It didn't end up happening, the Micro Center he went to didn't have the needed cables. At the same time, I went to a more distant Micro Center to replace my laptop's power cord, and it turned out the salesperson was mistaken in thinking they had the right cord (called over the phone first). Drove back, again feeling that my life is off track. It may be just the after effects of the moving, or perhaps it's really a good appraisal -- I just don't feel like I'm making progress towards my life goals. I suppose partially in response, although I didn't know it at the time, I decided to clean up the front yard of the house. There was a lot of junk scattered throughout the yard, from cigarettes to beer cans. Somehow, the mere act of sweeping and picking up the stuff made me feel a little bit better. I am suffering from internet withdrawl, I know, as well as the aftereffects of Insomnia closing and the ever-present spectre of Martha and lost love. It might be the (not-internet) talking, but I might ask if I can start a garden here. I don't know if it's a good environment for it, but I think it would really make me happy. I'm pleased to find that the combined power of four fullspectrum lights is able to keep my room warm enough for the Iggies to be happy. Today was another day in pain, but a more balanced one, and with any luck I'll be able to recapture my normal numbness/firey devotion that are the staples of my life.
There once was a squirrel who, unlike his fellow squirrels, did not like the great tree where all the others lived. And so he lived on the ground. He did, however, love the shade of the tree, despite hating it's actual texture. Then, one day the tree fell, killing all his fellow squirrels and also taking away the shade. And although he truly hated the tree, he felt odd about its end.
Hurt me. Use me. Kiss me. Make me feel love. Strike me. Tie me to a tree and set me ablaze. Hug me. Talk to me. I do not feel safe anymore.
The internet is back, and my addiction is being fulfilled. My 2 big monitors are snorted formly up each nostril. My laptop is still waiting for a replacement AC adaptor -- I won't use it until I have a way of recharging the battery. Dunno what I'll do about living arrangements.. perhaps I may stay longer than my first paycheck, although I do think that after 6 months I'll definitely be out of here. I just don't know if I want to move again so soon, even though I really am not very happy with the neighborhood and the distance from campus.
If you were offered unconditional insight into all of humanity, and could know everything of humanity that ever happened and is happening, would you take it? If you were offered access to a new realm of thought or a new place to be, but it meant that you could never talk with or be with another person from where you are now, would you take it? I want to leave. I can feel a dull roar, transcendance is near.
