choose from being in a world where everyone is lesser than you, or greater than you.. which would you choose? It's a choice between being pitied or (hated or pretending to be dumber, and thus hating yourself). Not an easy choice. I've done a lot of part 2b in my life. Perhaps too much. But is being alone really much more of a choice?

eliminate a lot of pain in yourself by losing a lot of your memories, would you do it? Memories are the fabric of identity.

sacrifice yourself to make the world a better place, would you do it? Is it the same to worry about how you'd think of yourself if you didn't, or to not do it simply because it might advance enough values that your value for your life might be overridden? Are there things outside the selfish giver model?

I heard something similar to this "I wish I felt that strongly about someone that I'd be willing to commit suicide if it failed". She works in a suicide hotline, and wasn't talking to me. I stared at my wrists.

I think I'm not far from the onset of a great loss. I sometimes think I remember too much, see too much, empathize too much. I am who I am not for far too often, and only let myself out, in a twisted parody, as laughter. I hunch over, so I am not visibly taller than you. It twists me. I get sore. Too much? What does that mean? Too much to be as happy as you, society.

I don't think I can easily be understood by the christian. Perhaps the buddhist, with their refined sense of pain, can understand. But in their eyes, I am walking into the storm, not away. Still, Buddha and Nietzsche are uneasy companions, walking together, sharing some jokes. They laugh at their disagreements. Perhaps my Buddha has a bit too much of the Nietzsche in him. Impure. Still, they laugh at the others. Christianity really is just the stunted brother of Islam and Judaism. Islam and Judaism merely achieve villainy; christianity achieves, in addition, stupidity and nonsensicality. What sense does it make for an unwilling death of an aspect of a god, doubting the other parts, to make up for the evils of all people, past and future? None. It just plain does not make sense. And folks, that's the central event on which they base their religion. What the hell is wrong with them? Couldn't they at least have their central event be something sensical? From a philosophical or even a story point of view, they should've just stayed as a sect of Judaism. Sheesh. You'd think that they'd put more effort into the most important thing they could get right. Explain it. Distort it differently. Employ the lies they used to construct the story to at least make it better. *sigh*

It's not the only oddity in that book, anyhow. I've been doing a lot of reading again recently. Fiction, Philosophy, sociology, science, all that stuff. I need to find someone to share my life with. I don't think it'll happen here. What to do?