I hear a song. It summons sadness, by making me feel like I see everything that ever was and ever could've been. I see all the happiness, and I can only hold what is in what I see as my reality. Is happiness comparitive? I feel all that sadness too, and more than either, a great sense of wistful longing for everything that could be and might've been. There is something in me, part of the way I normally see the world, that tells me such happiness and sadness, such experiences I 'see' in my speculations, they are not for me. Do they exist? There's no reason to believe they do, and the "infinity" I see is a fabrication of my mind.. but I still feel awe and sadness about it. All the things that once were that stopped, all the things that never were, all the possibilities that might've been wonderful, or crazy, or agonies. I see too many of them, and it twists me, brings emotional pain.

I went for what will probably be the last gathering of most of the original SFF crowd last night, and it was at Martha's. I am shielded by my love of Debb from the oddity of being around Martha. She's off to Korea, but I get the feeling she's no longer all of what she once was. Too many of her dreams have been shattered, and the skin is healing around those shards. Kurt, Aug, Dave, Martha, and a number of the other folks I almost never see anymore were there... It was like a reunion episode of a beloved TV show. Fates permitting, I am leaving Columbus. Dave is off to law school. Martha's off to Korea with her fiancee. Everyone is leaving. SFF is different from what it was. I don't know if I can judge it, but it makes me feel sad. This circle of friends is breaking apart, and it will probably never be complete again. It actually isn't even complete now. Whatever happened to Mike the hat guy? Whatever happened to all the lost relationships? Dizzifying -- I want to see the past, to somehow step back and take my fill of seeing what was.

This is probably partly inspired by this music I'm listening to right now.. I think my emotions are easily swayed by music. It's a russian song that reminds me of someone crying while making their way through life. I don't understand the lyrics (not speaking any russian), but I don't need to, in order to get some feeling from it. It might not be what the artist intended (which reminds me of a 4-person conversation about 3 years ago in an art gallery in New York), but it moves me. I wish Debb were here. I need to talk to someone I'm close to, or maybe cry, or just get a hug. There's only her, but I think she's out of town. Heh. I don't think I can really feel close to more than one person at a time. The complete openness that I love doesn't work with society. I don't even know for sure if I'm actually even completely open with myself. It hurts, even when it liberates. Openness, beyond a certain level, is like a pleasant bruise. I feel compelled to run to the future, or somehow return to the past. Love takes away my sorrows, engrossment in the past is a drug that is the opposite of sad nostalgia. Infinity burns my eyes, pulls at my heart.

I wish I could share the song that brought about this moment of sad reflection, but I don't want to mess with getting nagged about copyright stuff. In case I change my mind later, I hereby remind myself that the name of the song is "splean".