Looks kinda funny, with this font. I'm not feeling well. I woke up feeling a bit ill, and something that I should've predicted was a bad idea ended up today making me unhappy. Well, I knew it was likely a bad idea, but I've been doing it anyhow. Not only that, but I've been acting like an idiot going about it. Two downers, one natural, one my own mess.

It's odd -- today should've been a good day -- the Weird Al and the Firewater CDs arrived today, and I found that Firewater still has a website, with a bizarre URL. I also have a new officemate, which might make things a bit less lonely around here. My internet connection is back up. I'm holding a meeting Sunday. However, those are relatively small things, as for me, well, no, I don't want to share that. I just feel ill and upset, and I'm having a number of psychosomatic effects that are unpleasant. One downside of keeping my life almost stress/complication-free is that I'm entirely unused to when I do feel upset or whatever.

I think I'm gonna skip the Z party tonight. I'm just going to go home and go to sleep.

Supplimental.. I guess I do want to write about it. One of the people I have a crush on figured out that I do. They want me to back off. I respect that quality in them, and it's one of the areas where I'm still absolutely furious with Debb and, to a lesser degree, Martha, for not doing that.

I'm angry at both of them, but I know that my anger isn't entirely there for good reasons. I was/am intent on not getting too close, but the crush said I was anyhow, so I've clearly failed. And then I was stupid enough to talk about my having a crush with people I know. I've been such an idiot. Well, no, a fuck-up. It's a term I've used before to describe a few people I know who just can't do anything right in a relationship. I'm definitely in that crowd. I give without recieving. I don't know how to say no. I'm spineless, easily manipulated, and put up with endless abuse. In Women's Studies 201, at OSU, I suggested that abused wives use physical force to deal with abusive husbands that they fear. I finally, through living the analogy, see why that's impossible. It's only because Debb

that I'm free of her today. And yet I know that until I manage to

back if she offered the relationship another go. And who knows, part of me thinks that maybe things could be fixed. Being on a sandbox doesn't mean that you shouldn't doubt yourself. But a few things are clear:

1) I'm spineless in relationships, and I'm trying to learn why and change it so the next time I meet someone wonderful, I can stop them from abusing my trust and person, should they be so inclined. Chances are good that they might be -- I tend to be fascinated by people who are a little bit unhinged, although it's not a requirement.

4) I get all gooey when I have a crush on someone, and when it's clear that the feelings are not mutual or are blocked by an existing relationship, it is best for all involved if I back off completely instead of just avoiding things that are explicitly against their current state of things. Being vigilant against oneself only works so far.

5) I am again reminded that to desire leads to suffering, but I know that to cease to desire is to deny life. I am like the tightrope walker in Also Sprach, except here I am not moving. N and B are on the ends of the rope, but I'm still walking paces on a small part between. 6) It's enlightening to take different positions in life, and do something that makes you angry at yourself.

Ahh, yes, it feels good to let that off my chest. Forget therapists, I have the internet! And yes, that's quotable! w00t! I actually said two more things that are quotable today. Weird. "vi builds character" "When even links supports PNG, you know it's time to move on" -- My comment on the GIF patent expiry on slashdot

So, I have Weird Al and the Internet to thank for my feeling somewhat better now. Weird Al's new CD has some good parodies of Mathers and Lavigne. o/~ "Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?" o/~ o/~

Hmm. That's a set of characters that'd be good to replace with a 'note' JPeg. I might hunt for one when I get home, and tweak netdiary :)

Push the button, Frank!