Today, while driving back from dropping my subject off at his car, I took a trail that's known to some people as the Ho Chi Minh trail. As I drove along, I realized something about the way I think -- I tend to really get into a certain theme of thoughts until I really think I've expressed it well (philosophical thoughts), and once I do, I feel freer to move on to other kinds of thoughts. I think I have a good shot at wrapping up a particular thought right now, and I'm curious what comes next, so here we go. The Islamic/Orthodox Judaist approach to sexual/relationship morality, compared to modern western approaches, has a number of interesting characteristics that in many ways fit "emotional prudence" better. Specifically, western culture favours ideas of independence and freedom in ways that can cause people to go through some pretty rough emotional ground. Under Islamic/Orthodox tradition, the genders maintain stricter separation, with a strong focus on getting people to the point where they can marry, and share interaction with the opposite gender almost exclusively with their spouses and family. This restriction of interaction serves a number of purposes. While divorce is not forbidden, lack of exposure to the other sex means that divorce is more likely to happen for a fair reason (problems with the relationship) rather than temptations from outside. Partners in a relationship can know that there is no shady middle ground between proper behavior (according to their mores) and infidelity, nor that said middle ground would cause gravitation towards the latter. Modest clothing ensures that people pick their partners for more long-lasting reasons than because they happen to look good in plastic, and lack of sexual activity before marrage (sic) avoids judgement clouded by sex. All that being said, there are some weaknesses to this model of relationship. It is worth noting that I will judge this from the perspective that courtship is a good thing, and that the partners should have a definite say in the marrage, a view that one cannot take for granted in some versions of these societies. Firstly, good sex is something which many people feel is a legitimate part of deciding on a significant other. Refraining from sexual contact removes the ability to use that as a criterion. Similarly, head coverings and similar, especially use of sheitels or burkas, prevent any consideration based on appearance. Appearance can be an important factor in being attracted in a relationship. Finally, the notion of romantic love often involves an idea of passion, and these rules reduce the ability of establishment of that before marrage. In some ways, what is produced is marrages of convenience that may grow into romance with deep emotional ties, where these ties are made safer by society's rules, rather than marrages of people who love each other whose ties do not get as much safeguarding by society. Islam and Orthodox Judaism produce societies that are in some ways more realistic with regards to jealousy and fidelity, at the possible cost of passion, romance, and freedom.
I find that interplay fascinating -- while I prefer the western model, I think I can understand some of the reasoning that the other model serves.
I also recently have been floored by a realization -- I really don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. It seems that an upcoming crossroads had to make this happen, but it certainly has, and I find it very scary.
The crossroads is basically as follows. CMU has a Qatar campus, and I am considering transferring to there because I think it would be an interesting life experience, and I would learn a lot more about the middle east and islamic culture. I would also have the chance to see a lot more of that part of the world, and the pay is better with really nice benefits. It's a three year commitment though, I think. I could either do it, or stay here.
There are several things relevant to what I do. I've floated the idea with a number of people, including family, friends, and acquaintences. I was hoping to do this with Nicole, but unfortunately, that seems unlikely now. My mom is deadset against the idea and most of the rest of my family isn't really telling me what they think, or doesn't have a strong opinion. Some of my friends think it's a very stupid idea, while others see it as being a good life experience to take. I wish I wouldn't be doing this alone -- I really hope I can convince someone I'm close to to come along. I can safely say that there are a few people where if they said they'd be coming, I'd feel right with going and be 100 percent into it. Similarly, there's at least one person where if they'd say the right things, I'd decide not to go. I've realized that I really do care about other people, and while I'm reclusive, the social ties I do make mean a lot to me. Partly, I have some friends here, and they mean a lot to me, and the idea of losing them all at once in my everyday life seems awfully harsh. I did it once for Debb, so I know I can do it, but that doesn't make it easy. I know that I wouldn't be staying there forever, and am fairly certain that at the end of three years, I'd be out of there. The question then comes up -- what then? Would I move back to Pittsburgh, stay at CMU, and rebuild the ties I let lapse while moving there? A good number of the people I really am starting to get comfortable with now might be gone by the time I return. If I were to stay, I'd have more time to build ties with them, and part of me thinks I might even move somewhere to keep a close friendship working. There have been people who I would've been willing to do that for, in a way completely unrelated to life partners and things like that. I don't know if that's a weird thing or not. Alternatively, I could explore the cities where I might be happy settling and move directly there after my stay in Qatar. I could trust that I'd make new friends. That's scary and painful too. I need some people to feel like home to me, to have intense friendships where I see them at least once or twice a week. These things take a long time to build, and I'm only comfortable doing that with people who end up being very rare. Only recently have I been in Pittsburgh long enough that I feel I'm starting to do that. It took a long time in Columbus too. There's that, and as I said before, I don't really know what I want out of life.
There are so many things I could do, so many primary values I might express in how I live ly life that go against other possible primary values, and I only recently have had them conflict so much. I could focus primarily on life-experience enrichment, and go to Qatar -- I'd see things that I probably will never have the opportunity to see again. I could focus on building an academic career, stay at CMU Pittsburgh and focus strongly on taking classes and getting a PhD. I could focus on building wealth, which probably would mean going to Qatar and earning as much as I can. I could focus on friendships and similar, and stay here, visiting Columbus a lot and continuing to develop my friendships here. I could focus on getting to the stage in my life where I'll be settling down, and either stay here or save up and move to one of my possible target cities and pour as much effort as I can into finding a significant other. Until today, my course was clear -- I wanted the life experience and was willing to give up all the rest to have that. Now I'm not so sure -- it's not that I'm leaning the other way, it's that I don't know what the fnord I want. There are many kinds of life I could live, many different selves that I could imagine being. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Things were so much simpler when the decision largely hinged on if I could convince Nicole to go with me. The stakes are different now. I'm thinking of going alone to a foreign country and committing for what's likely to be three years, and resetting the clock to zero for how close I am to building the kinds of friendships I crave. There are people who were once frequently in my life that have no idea how much they mean to me, and people who may eventually reach similar levels of meaning in my life here. I'm starting to think that while the terminology isn't quite the same, perhaps Martha wasn't completely different than me when she spoke of loving friends. I use the word love differently, and am uncomfortable with her usage, but there definitely is a type of strong emotional bond that I begin to feel with some friends.
My whole future is on the table right now. Yup, a LOT of thinking to do. Incidentally, I know that this is probably a bit more intimate than most of my BLOG entries, and some of my readers will be a bit uncomfortable doing so, but if there's any entry recently that I'd like feedback on, this is it. If you've found yourself in similar moments, or find my characterization of things interesting, or have some advice, or have anything at all you'd like to say, I would really appreciate your thoughts. As always, if you prefer, send your comments by email. For this particular BLOG entry only, I don't mind if my family comments. No matter who you are, for this entry alone, provided you're not just vandalizing the page, your comments (that are not blatantly off-topic) are welcome.
I think I'm going to take a bit of a vacation from new entries, both because I have a lot of thinking to do, and because I want this to be the top entry in my BLOG for awhile so it'll get lots of comments. Tonight, I will treat myself to India Garden.
Note that I will be in Columbus for the last weekend of the month (think between 25 and 28 March), so if you're from Columbus, let me know if you'd like to get together.
