Time Heals All Wounds.. And Then Kills the Patient
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Mon Oct 29 20:55:59 2001
Diary hacking again

At Victorian's again. Programming again. On netdiary.. The code is now much more flexible, perhaps a bit faster, a bit uglier, and with new features. The main feature is that it splits itself over a specified number of pages. I had this idea a long time ago, while thinking of the poor people who use modems. Since I had the idea, the problem has grown large enough that even I, over cablemodem, have been affected by how long it takes my netdiary page to load. So, I finally got to coding it. It's still not quite right -- I probably should have it create links to each page on the bottom. Oh well.

I'm still hurting, but eventually I figured out why. I should've known it immediately. It's because of my crush. Once I start to feel anything like love again, it draws on the association with what happened with Martha. It also reminds me how alone I am. Both of those together really can crush me emotionally. For now, like it or not, I'm a hermit tree crab out of its shell. Shall I find love? Shall I return to lonliness? This middle ground is very painful. Recently I've felt very very strong needs for companionship of any kind. And during these last few days, the few friends I have have been busy with parties and stuff. I have been tempted to draw on people who I think I generally irritate, but have resisted the temptation because I think I generally irritate them :)

Anyhow, I'm off to eat right now.