Time Heals All Wounds.. And Then Kills the Patient
<Previous Next>
Sun May 12 22:29:22 2002
Missing Parts

I sometimes, in my more reflective moments, wonder if there's an undercurrent to society, a different way for information to flow, that I just don't seem to grasp. Is there something that seperates me from other people? I just don't seem to like people very much, and I probably give people bad vibes.

Thinking about it, I believe I know what it is. It is, indeed partly that I dislike most people. I see more than other people do, the lies, the angling for approval, the unconscious attempts at posturing, leaving impressions. I see too much, and every thing I see chisels away at the empty apple core that for most people is an apple of innocence. Even in the Jewish myths, the two only took one bite apiece, and they were ashamed, and changed forever. I have eaten the entire apple, and some seeds as well. In response to that, I hated what I was, and changed myself. I have intentionally made myself as self-aware as I possibly can be. As much as I can stand, as many hours as it can last, I think about everything I do. I reflect on everything. It recurses, but I take it gently. How must I sound when I write this? Why am I writing this? What does it mean that I think that this is what I feel? These may seem like irritants to you now, but I take them seriously, and am swimming in a sea of them every day. Does it really stop the posturing I saw in myself? No, not really, although it changes it, I am sure. At work, I sometimes am the quiet, intense person, sometimes the mad scientist, and sometimes, although I might dislike it on reflection, the cracker of bad jokes. So many roles. Is it me trying to fill different roles, striving to fit a mold which people react to in predictable ways? Or is it different aspects of my personality manifesting myself? Is it something else? What would it mean not to fit a role? One still has to decide how to act. There's no avoiding that. To some degree, being alone gets rid of this confusion I sometimes have. Boredom while being around others tends to stimulate it. I can never stop reflecting, but at least the mirror is friendlier when I am alone.

Occasionally, I get jealous. What it would be to be person X, who always has interesting people surrounding him, and is probably never bored or lonely. Or person Y, who is in a leadership position in a movement that matters to him, and is living with other members of the movement. Why can't I be jealous of who I am? Maybe I sometimes get jealous of simplicity. Outside my head, my life is very simple. Interpersonally, I may as well be dead. I live to program, be good to my pets, tinker with computers, produce philosophy, and read. It's just this self-awareness that keeps things complex. Yet... perhaps I think it makes me more alive than other people. Hmm.. maybe alive is the wrong word. OTOH, maybe I'm not describing anything worthwhile. I'm not sure.

I'm preparing a presentation on Tolerance this weekend at the local atheist's group. Booyah.