Time Heals All Wounds.. And Then Kills the Patient
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Dusk
Dusk
Sun May 26 23:44:28 2002
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Finally, I have my network all healthy again -- yesterday, Jason came over, and I swapped the new kryten back into its rightful place as my NAT system, and larkin is back behind it.

I've been toying with concepts of time again.. not a good topic for philosophy.. Largely, I've been wondering, although our notion of the past and future are probably necessary for useful thought, are they perhaps necessary delusions? In what sense is the past or future real? There is no way I can access the past -- it can only be inferred.. but never confirmed except by memory, and that confirmation is built on the back of a causal tie which, when we're doubting this, is itself suspect. Why do I even still have this inclination to try to ground philosophy onto firmament? It must be leftovers from before I made that relevation on math and logic -- they're not absolute, nor could they ever be. They're systems we build, and they could be different, and we alter them when useful. Yet, in making this simple statement, one steps effortlessly beyond Kant and his supporters -- people who won't let the universe talk, attempting to dominate the conversation. Science and logic depend on being willing to both listen and speak to the universe, and regardless of how pretty our logic is, if it disagrees with the universe, we lose.

I think I really was a lot happier in the past, and I can trace all the things that have changed that took some of the happiness out of my life. I miss University -- I loved learning new things all the time, and the kind of intellectual energy that covered the people there. Now I'm dealing with finances, and entering a routine. Of course, there's still that failed relationship. I wonder if she ever looks back, and wonders "what if?". Life is like a home whose rightful owners have departed and the neighbors just stop by occasionally. Well, it's not that bad, really, but I really am going to find a tough time finding someone who is right in as many ways. Insomnia is another huge thing I lack in my life... the coffeeshop. Fortunately, it looks like the tide may return that to us, in some form or another -- I heard that some of the staff are starting to pull back together for another go at a campus coffeeshop. Huzzah! I'm still feeling some wanderlust, and I suppose I've been wondering -- if I had the opportunity to go to the past, erasing everything that happened after the return point, would I do it (provided I get to choose the return point)? I believe I would do it -- there's more than one point I might choose, but anyone who knows me probably knows when I would want to emerge. Well, .. no, I can't say that for sure. There's only one person other than me that could say with good certainty, and one person who might be able to make a pretty good guess. Other folks might be able to guess it if they get lucky. I realize that very few people could say that they have even a 'fair' understanding of me, and only through collaborative efforts could people even get to a 'good' understanding.

Last weekend, I talked with Jessica at Outland. I suppose I can say that my crush is now tempered to a moderate attraction. She certainly is intelligent, but not remotely of the 'enlightenment' style of personality that I get along well with. She has a very fatalistic view of the future and nature of humanity. I don't know if I really could deal with nihilism of her form for any length of time. Admittedly, she was a bit drunk, so perhaps she's not always quite so fatalistic, but it's at least suggestive of an unhappy worldview. I suppose in recent times, I've been edging closer to the transhumanist position.

Here's a song I often hear at Outland that's stuck in my head. Oddly, something about the chorus, perhaps it's phrasing, makes an odd impression on me.

Bebornbeton::Truth::Another World There is no use in dying When still I seem to be undone There is no use in trying to find again The love of someone

Where have I gone and come so far Well, I've been headed nowhere I have been walking quite a while along Feeling lonesome

CHORUS: / Don't you worry, they won't find my body I want you to know I found peace in another world Don't keep digging, I want you to leave back away from the place where my ashes are buried /

I still can hear you breathing As if you'd never gone away I still can feel your touch, your tenderness As if you were still there

There is no sense in crying Only liquid running from my eyes And all the feelings I restrain are the Remainders that survived

Finally, I've been working on the next revision of my website. Apart from my netdiary, all the old content should be considered very stale and dead. Version 6 is simpler, better looking, and is just nicer. Of course, I only have some parts of it done. When I have more portions of it ready, I might put it, semi-incomplete, up somewhere.