Time Heals All Wounds.. And Then Kills the Patient
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Fri Apr 1 19:27:39 2005
Reluctant Dichotomy

I have vague premonitions of something bad about to catch up with me that I've successfully kept away for a long time. I've never really put much trust in premonitions, although it may be that they're just part of intuitions, and also partly that they often induce behavior that tends to bring about what is feared. I find myself wondering what there might be that could meet that criteria that's likely to come up soon. It's hard to know how worried I should be when the cues inducing me to worry are so difficult to verify.

Last night, after spending a very long day at work, a friend called -- he needed to pick his girlfriend up in DC unexpectedly, and wanted some company on the way down so he wouldn't fall asleep in the car. I was chilling at Coffee Tree, but decided that it sounded amusing and doable. I was a bit late to work today because I needed more sleep after we got back (about 8am), but I was working late the night before anyhow, and I'm still at work now. Without internet at home, my incentive to be at work doing work, rather than being at home mixing work with fun, is much higher.

Some thoughts for my reader -- when you have premonitions that don't appear to trace back to any data or reasoning you can easily imagine, do you pay attention to them? How much weight do you give them, and do you tend to modify your behavior to face or flee the undesirable outcome, if any?

A second general area for exploration -- have you ever been jealous of the general life position of a friend? One of my friends recently remarked that all his ex-girlfriends are now married, many with children, as are many of his friends from the community where he grew up. Of course, he's in what looks like a good relationship that might put him in that position in a few years. It's hard for me to sympathize entirely because he's in a better position than I am in that regard, but I definitely know what he's feeling, perhaps more deeply than does. I also have some things to at least feel uncomfortable about with regards to attraction and social dynamics, in at least two different areas in my life. Ahh, but such discomfort is part of living, and provided that one is careful to remain aware of oneself and stay within good ethical boundaries, one does one's best.

One of the things that's hard for me in reading the book I got recently, Wicked, is that it has some rather frank depiction of infidelity in it. While people might assume, were they to know about them, that some not-too-anciently revealed events may have made me especially sensitive to such things, emotionally speaking, I am, for the most part, over that, having already adjusted my perceptions of the people involved. I am, to put it one way, really judgemental when people step over certain lines, but I'm also not too loud about the results of such judgements unless the harm appears to be ongoing. One of the last discussions I had with Nicole was actually about an ex-boyfriend of hers completely ignoring traditional notions of loyalty and honesty, cheating on one girlfriend after another. No surprise -- the guy is, from what I understand, a real dirtbag. However, she has no interest in exposing these things, while I think that the harm is ongoing and were I in her shoes, would certainly do so. Of course, these disagreements are common, and I've seen parts of my circle of friends from Brecksville shatter (perhaps slowly to rebuild) over issues relating to this. I don't see it as a duty to reveal these kind of things, but I do see it as a real plus in almost all circumstances, and would probably do so almost consistantly. Anyhow, these things are not related to a few years old events, as some people might think, but actually seem to be rooted in my psychology from some events and elements of my upbringing/character that are hard to analyze. From what I understand, I have a large fear of abandonment and betrayal, and while I might trace a number of other things in my character back to some abuse that happened to me in second grade (no, it's not sexual, just strong emotional abuse), I don't see how this might fit in to that. I think strong sensitivity to that kind of pain causes me to be especially judgemental on those who cause it.

So that's my final question for you all today -- given a situation where you were aware of one person knowingly betraying their girlfriend/boyfriend, would you speak to the betrayer about it? The betrayed? Would things change if you were friends with the betrayer? The betrayed? Both? Are there other circunstances which would change what you would do?

Sat Apr 2 00:55:15 2005

Well. A boyfriend/girlfriend is one thing. A husband/wife is another. I'm proud to say I'm friends with a lot of people who betray the former and it's not a big deal. It's the ones who betray the latter I look at pretty screwily.

If the betrayal(s) are frequent, then you just trust the person less and you socially drift away from them.

If there's a single, isolated incident it's another story altogether. You pretty much mention it to your friend that you're confused by it, have it out, and eventually it just fades into the past.

What they're doing with their significant other is their businesses. Getting involved in their affairs presupposes that you have a good understanding of how their relationship is working, and in most cases, that understanding is tentative at best. I've known quite a few who didn't always keep their pants zipped, and their still good people.

If the B'ville thing is what I think it is, it got rebuilt pretty gosh darn fast once lines of communication opened back up.